Again, I find myself unable to take my big behind to bed. (Mmm! Love that alliteration!)
It seems like sleeplessness has become the norm for me, these days. I feel like the "why" factors are innumerable, but here's an attempt at listing them:
- I am stressed - TO THE MAX (yes, I just brought that back)
- I've lost lots of close people (family & friends) in a very short period of time
- I'm out of shape (and gained more than 20 lbs in less than 5 months); I'm not fat, but I feel like it
- Work has been pretty stressful, lately
- I need to find a new place to live
- I can't ever turn my brain off. EVER.
- I have a few health issues and have been stressing about finding a doctor I can easily get to (metro) and who will take my insurance
- I worry about my grandmother, nonstop
- I worry about my friends
- I worry about everybody and everything
- My family is killing my brain cells with everything they've got
- I'm thinking of getting a second job
- I'm worried about myself
- I'm thinking about moving away
- I don't know where I want to move away to
- AHHHHHHH!
- SO MANY THINGS!
It's 2:34 (I just made a wish!) and I'm listening to Billy Joel's "Zanzibar," trying to figure out how to fix myself.
Anywho, here's a writing I just rediscovered. I wrote this piece a while back and every time I read it, it makes me feel so light and childish in all the best ways.
I used to think I was magical.
I talked to thunderstorms
And they always responded
The thunder was their speech
Audacious and wild
Sometimes subdued in response
The lightning was their
Change of emotion
I tasted the rain and
The storms became
A part of me
We were one
And we understood each-other
When I closed my eyes I saw
Images flying,
Babies smiling and people dying
Colorful stars whizzed by
Hearts and holes
Everything and nothing--
The whole world was behind my eyelids
Everything I dreamed came true
It would happen the next day
Or maybe the next week
I never knew how soon
But it always happened
Exactly as I had dreamt
I had a recurring late night visitor
In the summer
He was a lion and I wasn’t scared
Every night at midnight
He walked into my room
And sat at the foot of my bed
I knew he was my friend the first time we met
Sometimes we just sat and stared
We talked with our eyes
He was beautiful and, once,
He let me touch him
I put my hand on his nose first
It was special
I felt his breath on my fingertips
I swore he was real
(I still do)
He nuzzled my hand under his head
And I rubbed his mane
I put my lips on his forehead
I felt love and protection spread through my body
Like blood, pumping through my veins
When I kissed him
The last night I saw him
He brought his mate to meet me
And his cubs
And I loved them too
And I could feel their love for me
They were another family that I,
Somehow,
Belonged to
I spoke to Mother Earth
and she spoke back to me
I hugged lonely trees and
Rolled down happy hills
Gave mud relaxing massages
And soared with falling leaves
Her dirtied streams cried to me
And I felt their pains
We were close
There was a mutual trust between us
I revered her wisdom
And was awed at her beauty
I went on adventures with my books
I did chores with Hercules
Walked tightropes with Pippi
Explored and wondered “why?” with George
Danced with Danny the dinosaur
And got locked in a department store with Corduroy
I was a part of every story
And every story became a part of me
I had meaningful conversations with the stars
Their twinkles were intonations
They told me age-old secrets
Of men and women
And gods and goddesses
They gossiped about the world
And giggled about the universe
The animals were my friends
They used to come to me
For marital advice or game play
They vented about their spouses
And I told them what I observed
We played tag and hide-and-seek
And hung out watching the clouds go by
I sang with the birds
And tickled caterpillars
We had so much fun
Every day
I used to think I was magical
He knows that I still am...
I talked to thunderstorms
And they always responded
The thunder was their speech
Audacious and wild
Sometimes subdued in response
The lightning was their
Change of emotion
I tasted the rain and
The storms became
A part of me
We were one
And we understood each-other
When I closed my eyes I saw
Images flying,
Babies smiling and people dying
Colorful stars whizzed by
Hearts and holes
Everything and nothing--
The whole world was behind my eyelids
Everything I dreamed came true
It would happen the next day
Or maybe the next week
I never knew how soon
But it always happened
Exactly as I had dreamt
I had a recurring late night visitor
In the summer
He was a lion and I wasn’t scared
Every night at midnight
He walked into my room
And sat at the foot of my bed
I knew he was my friend the first time we met
Sometimes we just sat and stared
We talked with our eyes
He was beautiful and, once,
He let me touch him
I put my hand on his nose first
It was special
I felt his breath on my fingertips
I swore he was real
(I still do)
He nuzzled my hand under his head
And I rubbed his mane
I put my lips on his forehead
I felt love and protection spread through my body
Like blood, pumping through my veins
When I kissed him
The last night I saw him
He brought his mate to meet me
And his cubs
And I loved them too
And I could feel their love for me
They were another family that I,
Somehow,
Belonged to
I spoke to Mother Earth
and she spoke back to me
I hugged lonely trees and
Rolled down happy hills
Gave mud relaxing massages
And soared with falling leaves
Her dirtied streams cried to me
And I felt their pains
We were close
There was a mutual trust between us
I revered her wisdom
And was awed at her beauty
I went on adventures with my books
I did chores with Hercules
Walked tightropes with Pippi
Explored and wondered “why?” with George
Danced with Danny the dinosaur
And got locked in a department store with Corduroy
I was a part of every story
And every story became a part of me
I had meaningful conversations with the stars
Their twinkles were intonations
They told me age-old secrets
Of men and women
And gods and goddesses
They gossiped about the world
And giggled about the universe
The animals were my friends
They used to come to me
For marital advice or game play
They vented about their spouses
And I told them what I observed
We played tag and hide-and-seek
And hung out watching the clouds go by
I sang with the birds
And tickled caterpillars
We had so much fun
Every day
I used to think I was magical
He knows that I still am...
I don't know that I'll sleep, but I am shutting the laptop down. Peace...save me some.
I miss my Lion.
I miss my Lion.
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